ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
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Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
definitely did not do anything wrong
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks