(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
You Might Also Like
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Close call…
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas