Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
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Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat