Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
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My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
God has left this place
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you