My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Ha.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Sign at work today
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: