Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
You Might Also Like
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
fourth time’s the charm
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
yeah no that’s fair
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”