if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
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10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
those birds must be on payroll
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.