*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
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all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.