You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
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I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
something like this could probably happen to anyone
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.