i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
You Might Also Like
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.