The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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opening twitter today
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Meow?
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?