Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
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dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations