me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
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My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
The point of your 20s
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?