Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
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Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.