BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
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[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”