Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
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I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation