[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
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…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me