Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
You Might Also Like
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
why am I working on Labor Day
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.