Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
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Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
seems like a niche market
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Breaking news:
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming