BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
You Might Also Like
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Good dog. ❤️
This anagram machine is out of order.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Good news
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.