Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
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Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.