Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
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“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate