IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
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stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
(more comics:
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked