FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.