I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
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Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
japanese corn
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂