Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
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Stop being racist to kettles.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Pass gas, not judgment.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again