You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
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My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.