It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
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Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?