Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
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-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.