My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper