“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
You Might Also Like
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me: