WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
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You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
My wife gives the best headache.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”