Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
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I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Pickled cat.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.