Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Phones down.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better