A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Based Erika
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.