Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
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When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[montage of me giving-up]
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.