Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
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I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
dutch so unserious
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
no refunds
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I can’t be the only one 😂
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.