For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
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My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.