In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
This took me a few seconds.. 馃槄
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Good for him馃槈馃ぃ馃槈馃ぃ馃槈馃ぃ
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there鈥檚 a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier鈥檚 name is Humboldt.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I don鈥檛 know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won鈥檛 stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Professor X: what鈥檚 your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that鈥檚 not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now