*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
oh my god
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”