[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Not all heroes wear capes.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.