Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
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Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*