Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
You Might Also Like
*struts into the new year
~ trips
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.