Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
lost dog
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
This is a bad sign