assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
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Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.