[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
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Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Mmmm canned fish.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend