Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
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Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.