Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
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The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Most fashion shows these days…
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
What’s so funny?