My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
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Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL