MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
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Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
cry laughing at this shit
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.